Rubs on the Fly
Management asked me to come up with a faster way to get Your Rub Club into more hands. I believe the results speak for themselves.
— Randy, Marketing
I Found a Problem
People travel.
That's probably not news to most of you, but nobody around here seemed particularly concerned about what happens after they leave the house.
Think about it.
Airports. Vacations. Camping trips. Tailgates. Visiting family.
Every single day, millions of Americans willingly separate themselves from their primary spice cabinet.
I ran the numbers.
It's worse than we thought.
People are out there right now cooking steaks in vacation rentals with whatever seasoning somebody left above the microwave.
Sometimes it's salt.
Sometimes it's paprika.
Sometimes the paprika expired during the Obama administration.
These people need us.
So when management asked me how we could get Your Rub Club into more hands, the answer became obvious.
We go where the people go.
I call it:
RUBS ON THE FLY™
Travel-sized Your Rub Club.
Throw it in your suitcase. Take it camping. Bring it to a tailgate. Keep some nearby when visiting relatives who think seasoning a steak means owning a salt shaker.
It's simple.
It's convenient.
It's scalable.
Quite frankly, I'm surprised nobody here thought of it before me.
The Marketing Basically Writes Itself
Once I had the product figured out, I moved on to advertising.
This part came together very quickly.
My first campaign:
NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT A GOOD RUB.
Memorable.
Actionable.
Emotionally resonant.
Management had some concerns.
So I provided alternatives.
KEEP A LITTLE RUB IN YOUR PANTS.
Apparently that was worse.
Personally, I think we're overthinking this.
Airports also provide an enormous advertising opportunity, and I've already prepared a TSA-focused campaign:
GETTING CAUGHT WITH QUESTIONABLE POWDER IN YOUR CARRY-ON HAS NEVER TASTED THIS GOOD.
Legal has asked me not to use the phrase “questionable powder” anymore.
That's fine.
Good marketers adapt.
Which brings me to packaging.
Bottles cost money.
Plastic bags cost considerably less money.
So I proposed individually portioning the seasoning into small, clear plastic bags.
Easy to carry.
Easy to distribute.
Easy to conceal.
Legal has now asked me not to use the word “conceal.”
Again:
Good marketers adapt.
But while everyone else was debating packaging, I was already working on the bigger problem.
Distribution.
The Future of Delivery Has Wings
Shipping is expensive.
Trucks need fuel.
Drivers need salaries.
Packages get stolen from porches.
You know what doesn't need gasoline?
A pigeon.
Carrier pigeons have been successfully delivering messages for thousands of years.
That's not experimental technology.
That's proven infrastructure.
And before anyone says it:
Yes, I checked.
They already know how to fly.
The concept is simple.
Each pigeon gets a lightweight delivery harness capable of carrying one bottle of Your Rub Club directly to the customer.
No trucks.
No fuel.
No porch piracy.
Potentially very little overhead once we figure out the pigeon situation.
Someone in the meeting asked what happens when a customer orders all three flavors.
I'm genuinely not sure why this was considered a difficult question.
Three pigeons.
We scale with demand.
There are admittedly a few details left to work out.
Housing.
Training.
Health regulations.
Navigation.
Weather.
Hawks.
But every disruptive business encounters resistance in the beginning.
I've already started designing the uniforms.
Final Recommendation
After extensive research, I remain confident that Rubs on the Fly™ represents a major opportunity for Your Rub Club.
Management currently agrees with the travel-sized rub portion of the proposal.
They are “reviewing” my airport campaign.
Legal has stopped responding to my emails.
The pigeon program remains pending.
I have also been specifically instructed not to purchase livestock using the company credit card.
Again.
I'll keep everyone updated.
Rub Responsibly.
— Randy
Marketing
EDITOR'S NOTE: Randy's request for a pigeon acquisition budget has been denied.